Couples Counseling: A Step-by-Step Guide

15 min readSep 4, 2020

Nearly 50% of all relationships end very differently than they begun. It is frequently challenging to attempt to spare the relationship when the two individuals feel they are hitting a block in the road without a detour available. That is one of the reasons that there is an expansion in couples looking into couples counseling to help navigate their journey. No one truly envisions that the relationship that they are currently in in will end.

Counseling with couples can help to revamp a relationship, partnership, or marriage that was potentially leading a couple to separate or to help explore their hardships to help set up a guide to construct a flourishing future. A counselor who specializes in couples counseling and marriage therapy is generally a person who has been trained specifically not to take a side but instead to focuses more on getting to the foundation of the issue and providing the route for individuals and couples to come to a solution on their own to assist in putting the relationship back in good shape.

Couples therapist and marriage counselors are expertly trained to assist in helping throughout any circumstances that are made inside the marriage or relationship that has turned out less than advantageous. When an individual or couples begin the journey for assistance of a marriage counselor or couples therapist, they will generally be challenged but have more clarity to where the relationship stands and the pathway to success from the meetings.

In practically most cases, miscommunication and misinterpretation of situations are the primary guilty parties of the disagreement experienced inside a marriage or relationship.

Guide on Couples Counseling: Some Issues Addressed in Marriage Counseling

In different cases, couples look for marriage mentoring to improve an upset relationship. You can utilize marriage mentoring to help with numerous issues, including:

Correspondence issues and Communication Difficulties

As a relationship progresses over time, few couples may start to grow apart with one another and fluctuations in commonalities start to diminish. Separation rate tops at various occasions, yet basically the principal uptick in separations or divorce tends to happen around the seven-year mark together and the next upswing occurs after twenty plus years together.

It is entirely expected to hear couples state that they run a family together, however there’s absence of association or closeness. Be that as it may, they are both so bustling it does not make a difference. There are many challenges that can continue for quite a while as individuals fill their lives with different things and push down whatever loneliness or conditions they have. At that point something occurs the couple may resign or demonstrate a mental and or emotional void and they take a gander at one another and think, who is this couple?

Couples regularly overlook what united them in any case, why, or how they experienced the passionate feelings that attracted them together. On the off chance that you have been with someone for quite a while, you may have fabricated the daily journeys and feelings, recollections and a set of experiences that you may think you can no longer have with your partner. Couples treatment can help to reignite the flame and get the spark back, as well as giving yourself an opportunity as a couple to truly learn who you partner is at this point in your relationship, as this may not be the same person you originally were attracted to, and that is perfectly normal in relationships.

Money Related Disputes

Cash has consistently been a combative issue for couples, however toss in extra worries that we all may face as we get older, such as potentially dealing with medical conditions, lack of self-care, pre-existing mental health conditions, challenges that we may face in our careers, as well as incurring unexpected debt.

Conflicts may come from varying spending styles or differences on the most proficient method to put something aside for, and spend, or thinking about retirement. There might be some worries over not having enough financial stability, or imbalances in the way your retirement fund is being overseen.

The topic of finances can bring upon notable feelings of contention, uneasiness, and jealousy. It has such high associational incentive with power that except if your other half, who is procuring less has somewhere else of a mental impact in the partnership, it can make an unevenness in the relationship.

The topic can be assisted by a counselor through navigating the channels to help assist individuals with understanding their financial connection and the way that it shapes their considerations about themselves and about others. Frequently, the way we view, and handle accounts is connected to past encounters or ways that we were raised.

Outrage and Conflict

We have various methods of taking care of contention. A few of us blossom with encounter, but others may start to have their emotions elevate when situations get a little rocky. Sometimes, it is difficult to control these emotions when you are in these stressful situations, as this can lead to further anger and frustrations. The level of conflict can vary and can give up tears and hurt emotions, however regular squabbling can be similarly as detrimental as it may start to chip away as the solid foundation build by a couple.

A dispute is not all by itself a terrible thing, rather it is the way individuals handle the contention that can negatively impact the overall stability of a relationship or marriage.

Addressing anger, frustrations, ways you deal with conflict with a counselor can show you how to diffuse differences in a more prudent manner, with focus on how to be more thoughtful and understanding, so your message can be heard and understood by your partner.

Sexual challenges

Another common topic in couples counseling revolves around potential struggles or an absence of adoration or closeness. For a few, it may revolve around difficulties in connecting sexually. We tend to develop routines in our life, and for most, this does in fact translate into the bedroom. Some of the time it is a resultant of fluctuations in energy levels amongst the partners, potential medical implications that have come into the picture, and time. For some, being intimate may feel that it is taking away time out of one’s day that can be utilized elsewhere.

However, little affections like a periodic kiss on the cheek, tuning in to your loved one emotionally, and little offers of thoughtfulness can be similarly as significant for helping you and your accomplice feel appreciated. There are a lot of couples who are loving and sincerely close yet not explicitly personal. However long the two individuals are happy with whatever the circumstance is, there is not generally an issue.

Couples counseling in this topic is valuable when either of you is not happy with your degree of closeness, as your therapist can help to evaluate each of your love languages to help better gain a more improved understanding of how to properly communicate and experience love that will be understood from your partner.

It very well may be hard for individuals to openly discuss these feelings with their loved one, yet a trained expert in couples therapy can help each individual navigate the discussion and should realize how to cause you both to feel more clarity and ease in doing so.

Betrayal

One of the most widely recognized purposes behind going to couple’s treatment: endeavoring to fix a penetrate of trust — in less fragile terms, cheating. Lachlan Brown took an in-depth analysis over the statistics on infidelity for 2020, and looked at various topics such as cultural norms, types of professions, other factors that are taken into account when addressing infidelity.

Some interesting points that was addressed by Brown was that the infidelity rates can vary from 6 to 25% over the course of a relationship. Another interesting point that was brought up is that when looking at the numbers previously discussed, among those who reported infidelity (19%), there was an even distributing across age ranges from 17–21% in each category (Under 30, 30–44, 45–64, 65+).

Brown also discussed that there may be a genetic connection to these numbers as well, with a connection to vasopressin, which is a hormone that helps to maintain water in our body and cells. He cited a study that was conducted in 2015 that illustrated up to 60% of males and 40% of females that reported cases of infidelity had some genetic influences regarding vasopressin.

However, no doubt, the term infidelity does not just mean actual unfaithfulness. Concealing something and being mysterious with situations that are going on may also fall into this category. You may reconnect with a past love interest through social media and believe, we are simply catching up on the past and that it is innocuous. At that point, out of nowhere, it may potentially lead to more than that.

How to tell when you have gone too far? Betrayal implies a ton of things and can be interpreted drastically different from a variety of individuals. What is significant is that your partner has the platform to openly communicate within their own relationship.

Guide on Couples Counseling: The Basics of Couples Counseling

Couples/Relationship/Marriage Counseling is a type of modality that enables couples, married and not, to determine difficulties that they may be having in their relationship. Sessions are based around regular guidance and is led with both individuals present. Nonetheless, occasionally there will be a meeting by one partner dependent upon the couple’s needs. The reason for couples counseling is that the data in research has demonstrated difficulties in a marriage are best illuminated through correspondence and working related to each other.

The span of a marriage or couples counseling is widely varying, as certain couples center around momentary objectives and others set up long lasting mentoring to help explore through different aspects of their life, as they currently have an open line of correspondence of a prepared master to help them through the cycle without worrying over restoring those connections with their therapist.

The couples therapist will provide the opportunity and safe space for the couple to see things from an alternate perspective and afterward navigate various approaches to help make a more favorable and useful circumstance where the two partners can take an interest decidedly towards repairing the relationship.

Not one couple is alike, same is true from a couples counseling experience. Your treatment and plan of care are highly individualized and specific to your needs and cannot be compared to others experiences with therapy.

In helping the couple recognize the issue in an authentically respectful and empathic manner, the counselor will have the option to get the two individuals to help address various activities that will assist them with seeing each other in a more productive manner, accordingly permitting the couple to all the more likely face the difficulties head on when the time allows itself to.

Going to a couples therapy session would likewise enable the couple to be more open as the therapist will positively engage in intriguing dialogue and can help redirect conversations that may be difficult and or shifting from the focal point.

A common myth of couples counseling or couples therapy is that the counselor will give the patients the answers to solve their problem, wherein reality it is the role of the therapist to help provide the tools and insight to enable the couple to explore themselves to get to the answers and solutions on their own accord.

This helps for better retention and success in the future to help the couple more effectively address situations in their daily lives, as they can grasp the process and understand how to implement those tools versus potentially not being able to recognize when a situation may arise because the foundation of understand the concepts were not established.

Guide on Couples Counseling: How Effective Is Couples Counseling?

The truth is that there are many factors that can impact the outcome of couples counseling for any given couple. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists looked at the levels of client satisfaction in those who have regularly attended marriage of couples therapy. There was significantly high levels of satisfaction values reported on clients perceived experience with there (98%), high levels of getting the help they felt they needed (97%), as well as getting the tools for managing their chief concerns when coming into therapy (93%). Improved health measures and improved quality of life were also favorable in this study.

Impressive. Sign me up! Hang on a moment…

Research in couples counseling has demonstrated a huge fluctuation in results and outcomes across the board. Most have shown favorable improvements in outcomes and less dissatisfaction, but there also have been studies to demonstrate little to no effectiveness.

Why is that?

As we addressed in earlier topics, couples counseling need to be specific and individualized to the couple and no two couples are alike. What research attempts to do is place all subjects into one box to measure the effectiveness of a specific modality. It is exceedingly difficult and challenging to make real progress in couples therapy and is even more difficult to illustrate into a research study who is setting fixed parameters on a fixed amount of time.

Most of the evidence that is out there is favorable, but also adds stress to the couples who may research these studies and become more stressed if their results may vary. It is perfectly fine not to fit these boxes, as most therapist do not just conform to one modality of treating, as different situations may require different tools to utilize.

The one similarity in the results of most, if not all the studies conducted for effectiveness on therapy for marriages and couples, is consistency. When there is a consistent dedication to care, there is a high likelihood of successful outcomes, both on the short term (3–6 months) and long term (5 years+). Most of the studies that did not show favorable results also demonstrated a high drop out rate or lack of consistency in follow up visits in their limitations to their study.

Another factor for an effective outcome comes right down to the motivation and expectation of both partners. Couples therapy is way more practical if both partners are devoted. If both can come in with an open frame of mind, saving the connections becomes more effective and efficient. The approach is far less effective if both partners refuse to cooperate.

Another item to consider is that these studies do not take into account the human element, most couples may come to therapy to work on one problem, then while they are working on one problem, something else in their life may come up. Life is an ever-evolving process, so are our struggles and successes.

Therapy does take time. Therapy is work. Just because you meet expected goals, does not necessarily omit you from ever having challenges again that may need couples counseling. Therefore, it is important to build a lifelong rapport with a couples counselor that you can entrust in to help along your endeavors.

Guide on Couples Counseling: Finding the Right Couples Therapist

You are finally ready to talk and have managed to get your partner on board with the idea. But where can you find someone you can trust and feel comfortable with? After all, you will be sharing deeply intimate details with this person.

Some items to consider when looking for a couples therapist who will you be inviting into your personal life are:

Are they properly licensed relationship counselor (LPC, MFT)?
Do they experience dealing with your specific issues?
Do they have advance training beyond their education in couples counseling?
Shows empathy and does not take sides?
Understand how to mediate and maintain control so both you and your partner get to speak?
Do they ask for feedback from you and your partner with the services offered and wants to be a part of your process versus you fitting into their clinical thinking?

Guide on Couples Counseling: Does Insurance Cover Marriage or Couples Counseling?

In short, No. Challenges and difficulties in your relationship is does not qualify as something that can be diagnosed as a mental illness. For most insurances, including the federal insurance companies, will only provide reimbursement for services for mental health conditions if a diagnosis for said condition is utilized for an individual.

Here is the thing to consider: By law, mental health conditions and reimbursement is considered on the same spectrum as other medical impairments. What makes a mental issue qualified for installment under your coverage that is provided by your insurance is that it is diagnosable as a mental health impairment and treatable utilizing either psychotherapy, pharmacology, or other medical interventions. For the insurances to cover the services, the counselor is required to treat your mental health challenges as a medical impairment. This is totally different work than attempting to help a couple navigate challenges in their relationship and better their lives together.

Guide on Couples Counseling: Setting Goals for Your Therapy

Setting goals are a pivotal moment in the therapeutic relationship, which is initiated from the onset. It is highly significant as it enables the two partners to fortify their relationship by zeroing in on a shared objective. This will additionally assist with improving correspondence and makes the yearning to help each other in a more favorable way so the objectives set can be accomplished without excessive strain.

The objectives and goals of therapy will additionally help to approve each other’s commitments to the relationship and furthermore keep the two players responsible and submitted. Starting thinking about and develop a list independently to allow for a safe space to truly evaluate your concerns and be able to not have any biases in your feelings that you may if you are attempting to develop a list of problems together.

Whenever this is done, each member would then need to settle on a type of course of events that would be reasonable and practical in moving towards accomplishing the objectives set.

This would incorporate assessing and revaluating certain qualities and attitude to make the objectives and goals that are set more reachable. This season of sharing goals can be entirely pleasant and illuminating if the two partners keep up some degree of closeness and sincerity. Accusations and contention will not help the activity of objective setting for the marriage. The demonstration of sharing objectives can frequently unite a couple and furthermore keep them more centered around one another all through the activity.

Guide on Couples Counseling: In Closing

Pretty much every romantic tale can possibly start as though it were a fantasy. Sometime in the distant past, two individuals feel enthusiastically enamored and their adoration was not normal for some other before theirs. Relationship beginnings are magnificent, and they can encounter a resurrection with a wedding, vacation, and the energizing first year of marriage. When a few starts to develop and their lives change with occupations, youngsters, social exercises, the affection, and sentiment turns out to be harder to take care of. The challenges in our relationship are not unavoidable, as this is a process throughout the phases of our lives, but the having the understanding that there are trained experts out there to help you along your journey will help to revive the energy and elevate your relationship to another level for years to come.

Originally published at https://beautifulsoulcounseling.com on November 15, 2020.